S was questioned recently as to why we wanted to play with others and indeed what we wanted out of an evening – I think his friend was both envious and incredulous in equal measures, wishing beyond all measure that he could play along too – he asked whether it was not ‘dangerous’ – whether we would not find someone else that would be more attractive, more interesting, more sexual – whether it would cause a rift in our relationship and this has given me pause for thought.
I can not speak for S obviously, but I know I started on this personal journey of kinkiness to explore who I was, both sexually and personally. I was ready now, right now, as I had never been before. I am happy in my own skin, literally and figuratively, I like to look at the curve of my hips and waist, rather than rushing past the mirror. I like how the lips of my cunt feel under my fingers, and under others fingers. I find I can now express sexually what I want, how I want it and more importantly I am happy, no, OVERJOYED to experiment as I give myself permission to enjoy.
This increased confidence has made a HUGE difference to my life, not just in the bedroom (kitchen/lounge/fields/stairs etc etc) but how I am in daily life. I am fierce, I am unstoppable, I am confident, I am sexy, I am ME. I could never have been accused of being a shy retiring wall flower – but I have also not had the confidence in my own body until, now…right now to say what I liked sexually, how I liked it and when I like it.
And, this has obviously had a big impact on my relationship with gorgeous S. We have been together for close to 20 years and where we have seen other friends relationships grow stale, people grow away from each other, hit their midlife crisis and decide they simply can not ABIDE their once loved and desired partner, we have grown stronger, closer, more passionate about what we have. We have grown together, allowed each other to change, but not imposed change. We have taken time to support each other through our individual challenges and now relish our time together more than we could ever have done in our 20’s.
S was delighted that I was experimenting with all things kinky, obviously. I have tried to be open about what turns me on at the moment and what I have found to explore next. More importantly I want to explore these things WITH him – why would I not want to? He is gorgeous, sexy, funny, handsome, intelligent, creative, sensitive, tolerant and open. I do not want him to be excluded by what I am doing, as I do not want to be excluded from what he is interested in. Have we imposed rules? Not as yet, we have not needed to, we have moved in harmony towards, encouraging, supporting, listening.
I recently read a very interesting post about the difference between jealousy and envy which really struck me – do I feel jealous watching S with someone else? Or just envious that he is doing something that I want to do? If that is the case then as long as we are experiencing this together then what is there to feel envious about? If he is kissing someone, then turns and beckons me over to enjoy what he is enjoying why would I be envious? Surely the most sensual thing to watch is your beautiful partner enjoying themselves, knowing that they are being watched and lusted over? And why would I feel jealous when I know that I will be going home and going to bed with S the following day, where the biggest turn on will be to relive our experiences from the previous night, and harder, faster and longer that anyone could ever dream.
And long shall we carry on dreaming. Together.